A Reason to Live
by cause.A.scene
Summary: [Jericho] Jake has a lot on his mind after his talk with Robert Hawkins is having problems dealing with it all.


It's kind of short, but I'm fairly pleased with it.

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Disclaimer: Don't own any of it, CBS does, and I hope they will decide to own it for a long, long time.

He put one foot in front of the other, a thoughtless process of which he was very thankful of at the given time. If anything else was forced into his mind, even something as small as walking, he was sure his head would explode.

He definitely had not had the chance to take in all of this new, disturbing information. Then again, he may never be able to accomplish that at all, but he would have preferred to have a small moment with Robert Hawkins, just a little longer to stare in disbelief and ask any last-minute questions that were no doubt floating through his head.

Unfortunately, that had been impossible due to Jimmy's persistence. He was definitely not angry with Jimmy, knowing that if things had turned out differently, he would have appreciated the officer's incessancy greatly.

But with the way things _had _turned out… well, he had no idea what to think at the moment.

He had always known there was something different about Robert Hawkins, that part was crystal clear. Maybe it was because he noticed the same distant look and avoidance of direct questions relating to his past that Jake knew so well himself. But he never would have guessed that the man knew anything more about the largest nuclear attack the world had ever seen than the rest of Jericho's inhabitants.

Jake shook his head, as though it would somehow clear his mind, but continued walking.

He tried to stop thinking completely, and instead focused on the sound of his shoes on the pavement. It was a steady, relieving sound.

What seemed like seconds later, he was in the driveway to his own home. He looked at it and couldn't hold back a tired grin. Every time he saw this house, it was as if everything that had happened disappeared and he was an innocent child again covered in dirt, racing his brother to the house. This blissful feeling never lasted long, but Jake was grateful of it none-the-less.

The weight of the day fell back on his shoulders, so he began walking again. As he thoughtlessly climbed the porch stairs and reached his hand out to open the front door, something stopped him. He was unsure of what exactly, but the feeling could be summarized by the need to be alone. Or else, because he knew he _should _be alone.

The thing was, he had no intention what-so-ever on telling anybody about what he had learned from Hawkins today. And because he was sure of this, he knew he should take a little more time before he paraded on into the home that housed his mother, the only person who had ever been able to see right through him.

Jake prided himself for being able to better conceal his feelings, thoughts, and even physical matters from his mother as time had passed, but there was no way he could hide his shock and confusion from her this time. And he definitely did not want to blatantly lie to her.

And so, the porch seemed like a wonderful place to sit and think.

He went over to the white straw chair and lowered himself into it, the effort reminding him of how his body had not properly healed from the past two weeks. And finally, he let his thoughts loose. He tired to start from the beginning of Hawkins' story, just to refresh his memory and properly analyze all that was said, but no matter what, every thought kept coming back to one statement:

_There is a nuclear bomb in Jericho._

Jake lowered his head and took in a deep breath in frustration. How was he expected to handle this?

He had been through a lot in his life, and a lot just in the last few months, but this, this was so… unimaginable. All of the death and destruction, the scarcity of food and supplies, this new life completely different from what anyone had known… all of these problems were right here in Jericho, but he would have never thought that one of the _causes _of all of the problems were right here in Jericho as well!

Jake suddenly felt rage flow through his veins. He didn't know why exactly, but it was there.

Then, as suddenly as the rage had come, it disappeared and left instead a feeling of awe.

Yes, one of _the bombs _were here in Jericho, this was not a positive thing, but this certain bomb had not detonated when and where it was meant to, which he thought he heard Hawkins say was in Ohio. And with this realization came a very relieving and calming one: this bomb had not killed anyone.

Jake stopped and marveled at this. He had seen _the bomb _himself and it was nothing extraordinary to look at, but the thought that something like that obliterated hundreds of thousands of humans, animals, and buildings was simply overwhelming. And to go even further to think that there was one less dose of devastation because the weapon was safely hiding in Jericho's earth.

Jake took in another deep breath, and decided that if there was ever a place to end this thought process; this was the time to do it.

He placed his hands on his knees then pushed himself up, wincing at the vulgar cracking that was emitted from his leg. He felt dizzy for a second after standing, but once it faded, he was ready to face his mother.

He reached for the door knob once more, and opened the door. He was half-expecting some wonderful aroma to greet him upon entering, but was slightly disappointed when the familiar smell of soup was the only thing that came to him.

He walked further into the house, waiting for his mother, possibly even his father to come around the corner to see who just entered their home, but no one came.

He briefly went through the house and finally concluded that there was no one there. This really shouldn't be too much of a surprise to him now with both April and Eric gone, not that either of them were ever there or anything, but the lonely feeling of the house without them was enough to keep others away. This is why he didn't blame his mother for not being here.

He passed through the kitchen and saw the small bowl on the table filled with soup and knew it was for him, but he was in no mood to eat. He passed the table then proceeded into living room. It had become his favorite room on the house now, and he guessed this was because he had spent so much time in here trying to warm up after the truck incident. Normally, one would be sick of this room, but he saw it as a warm, cozy, and most importantly, peaceful little corner of the world that he could always retreat to.

As he sat there, he felt drowsiness wash over him. He was basically always tired these days, but he tried to push it out of his mind and focus on other, more important things. But even he couldn't ignore the welcoming absorbance of the couch.

He sighed and let his head fall back. Not a moment later, he felt himself enter the stage before sleep where wild thoughts start going through one's head.

But he was suddenly pulled from this blissful place by a slamming door. His eyes flew open and he pulled his head up to see who just came into the house. The reddish hair was the giveaway.

Gail Green turned around to see a dark figure lying on her couch and after a brief period of shock, she recognized her oldest son staring back at her, as if studying her. She knew right away that her face was probably still contorted from her futile pleading with her husband, and quickly tried to hide it.

When she felt confident her face was more neutral, she did some studying for herself. It was no secret that Jake was exhausted and hadn't healed properly, but it was also blatantly obvious how much Jericho needed him, so there had been no point in attempting to make him stay home.

But tonight, something seemed different. It was almost as if there was twice as much on his mind than when she saw him last, which was a very discouraging thought. But

before she could question him, he nailed her first.

"Where have you been?"

Gail thought about this for a moment before answering.

"Walking."

She really had no idea why she wouldn't just say that something was wrong with Johnston, but it just didn't feel right. Gail knew that it may put more on Jake, and that was the last thing she wanted.

Jake nodded tiredly.

"What about you, sweetie," Gail asked, joining Jake on the couch.

She watched as he closed his eyes and shook his head slowly.

"Just… getting some things clear."

A silent agreement fell between them. It was obvious that both had things they weren't saying, but knew not to press on the subject. It was one of those understandings.

Jake turned to his mother after a few seconds passed.

"Where's Dad?"

And there it was. Gail sighed.

"Hunting deer."

Jake perked up slightly, knowing that this statement didn't make much sense.

"Hunting deer?" He questioned, looking expectantly at his mom.

She sighed again and nodded.

"He's… well I don't think he's taking… he isn't… I just don't know," Gail finished, her frustration and worry returning.

Jake sat up completely now, which made Gail feel guilty for mentioning it. And when Jake stood up, the guilt multiplied.

"Jake, where are you going?"

"Don't worry. I'll be back soon," Jake answered absent-mindedly. He had a sudden realization and knew exactly where he needed to be.

He went to the front door, ignoring his mom's feeble protests simply because his mind was set and all of the day's thoughts were back with full force.

With the sound of the door closing behind him, Jake put into motion his mindless task of walking, and didn't stop or look back until he was where he needed to be.

Soon, the feeling of pavement beneath his feet left and was replaced with dirt and dried leaves, and that's when he saw it.

In front of him, high off the ground, was a structure from his childhood. Seeing this gave him the same effect that his home did, and was immediately reminded of all those hours of sitting up there perfectly still with his father.

He took a few more steps forward, hearing the crunching of the leaves which meant that his father was aware that someone was near him.

He approached the latter and began to climb; not thinking about what he was doing, just knowing that this was right.

He reached the top, and slowly approached his father who didn't so much as flinch as Jake made his way closer.

He grabbed a hunting rifle that was propped up against the side of the wooden structure and slowly went down to his knees, then finally to his stomach.

Jake, lying beside his father, got the rifle ready, and then looked through the scope for nonexistent game.

Johnston turned his gaze momentarily to his son, then back to the binoculars. Johnston couldn't explain this moment in time for a million dollars; there were no words that could do it justice. It was an odd mixture of so many different emotions and thoughts, and his oldest son joining him like he did so many years ago only added to the confusion. But it was clear that his son had a lot on his mind.

"Do you need to talk, son?"

"Probably as much as you do," Jake answered without looking up.

Johnston, taking this hint, also did not break away from his task to continue the conversation.

"And _are_ going to talk," Johnston asked again, though rather sure he knew the answer.

"No," Jake answered simply. "Are you?"

"Nope."

Neither one spoke after that, not seeing a reason to. They just lied beside each other, both knowing they should be somewhere else, doing something more productive, but neither one budged. It was a lot like old times, the difference being the emotional and physical blows each had taken over the years, and time itself, wielding the two men mentally and physically.

And even with everything that had happened to them, before and after the bombs, the frigid cold surrounding them, and the simple fact that no matter how long they stayed up there, they wouldn't see any animals, nothing could have felt more right.

Yes, it was odd, but it was just another one of the silent understandings that somehow managed to make anything acceptable in its own way. Whether it is avoiding the inevitable, or hiding a soul-tearing secret, these understandings, for however short a time, provide the needed escapes from the world as well as a bond between two human beings.

And that, despite how heavy the world's burdens could be, was a reason to live.

Fin.


End file.
